Tuesday, April 16, 2019
Usher playlist, counseling, boyfriends and tickets oh my.
Two of my best friends are getting married within the next six weeks. Both will be their second weddings and for both this second chance is oh so sweet because they have been brave enough to let love in again. And that my friends is one of the hardest things to do. In a perfect world I would hope for a fairytale ending for both of them BUT life is not perfect and the older I get the more I desire for the complete opposite. I want real and raw and a life of full acceptance over that perfect storybook fairytale. So that is what I am hoping and praying for them both. Life is beautiful and WEIRD!!!
Caught up on Grey’s last night. I had a whole two episodes that were taped and not watched. The last couple of weeks I have been in survival mode barely keeping myself together. The magnitude of that hit me last night when I realized I had some real good TV trash to catch up on. Here is what really blew up my marbles. At the end of the last episode Amelia and her mom are sitting together on a bench and something along this convo was exchanged.
"It’s ok to blame our parents for not being there for us during loss, love, and failure but it is on US to not be able to move forward from that".
I mean ok Grey’s thank you for the incredible nugget of common sense that I am sure I have been seeking from counselors for years. A 30 second clip has just tore me up. Again life is beyond weird!!!
(Side note: I have awesome parents who have been there but a lot of those I love dearly have not)
Turned 33 a couple months ago and after many discussions and personality tests with my sister Meg. I think we have finally settled on me being a 2 on the Ennegram. Do you know your number? You should, crazy what this stupid number teaches you about yourself. Funny how we have lived with ourselves day in and day out from the beginning and we need to find our number to fully be able to grasp why we actually do the things we do? Again weird..... that thing called life.
Do you know that a kid can go to a park and have a new best friend within like 5 minutes? They run and play and everything in their world is perfect. Somehow on a wooden playground social status, rank or class has not been established and what is left is just another sweaty dirty kid willing to chase you through a maze of wood for hours. At what point in life does this stop? You don’t see the adults at the park hugging new friends they have made at the end of an hour of play. Why? Let’s be honest if I were to hug the women sitting next to me that I don’t know and call her my new best friend she very well might think I was mental and bee line it out of that park as fast as possible. Y’all life is WEIRD!!!
I get a little obsessive about songs. Songs for me represent every moment of my life. I might not remember stories about events that have happened. But I will remember my life and then piece together events by my favorite songs I have associated with that time. Since this is a random list of weird here is an example. I have a designated song for every boyfriend or crush I have ever had. Totally not intentional just like certain songs are tied to certain people and if those songs come on I instantly think of that person. I should really make a "boyfriend" playlist bc there are some goodies including: Burn, Sorry Ms. Jackson, What’s your fantasy?, What if, you’ve lost that lovin’ feeling and Hurricane to name a few. Yep life and myself a bit weird.
How about this one......first day of class this semester I walked in and one of my swimmers I coached at Urbana was sitting in Bio 122 . Not to mention a handful of others I see walking around the campus. I am old they are babies. Shoot I have a "baby" which makes me someone’s MOM. Am I really old enough to be in charge of raising and shaping another human being? Probably not and that is scary. Also I realized my kid exclusively now calls my man instead of mama and I guess that makes her not a baby anymore(Insert hysterical tears). Life = weird.
Okay last thing. I got a ticket yesterday. The cop was sitting at the fire station of our neighborhood. I have not had a ticket since I was 18 years old and I go and get a random ticket yesterday. Life is WEIRD AF. Sorry not sorry to those that just got offended by the AF. Also I don’t even really understand that saying it doesn’t make tons of sense. But as Cardi B says okurrr. If you have never seen the Pepsi commercial or the 1000 other times she uses this do yourself a favor and use the google bc yep it’s funny and weird!!
So yes the USHER playlist is in full swing while I am over here trying to work out a hundred different thoughts and feelings about my life. Ben Rector has a line in one of his songs that says:
"like a river connects to the ocean
this pavement touches wherever we go white lines flyin by
who knows what will find
let’s drive"
And while this song has a slightly different meaning and doesn’t wrap up this blog post in a neat bow it is in fact been on repeat lately and feels super accurate with my scattered thoughts and feelings. Not a huge fan of the peace, love and happiness sign off so here’s my version. :)
Hearts, Flowers and Real,
- Steph
* Oh and my sisters all tell my how terrible my spelling and grammar is. And why I wish I could blame that all on the fact I quickly type up posts in my notes on my phone with my right thumb. It is in fact the combo of poor grammar, thumbing typing and the lack of care to be perfect in this area. Isn’t the first step of change the ability to point out and accept your weakness????
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
When Mondays Are Your Favorite Day.......
Tuesday, December 25, 2018
Santa isn’t real Krank style!!!
A lot of times I blog to remind myself where I have been so maybe one day I don’t make the same choice. This last month my mood has been less then awesome. Right after thanksgiving this year is where it started. The realization that Christmas was coming up made me want to pack up and move across the country or hide under my covers till the holidays were over. I had this countdown in my head to Christmas and all that really represented for my brain was Cora being gone.
As the days ticked on by and plans got settled with when we were going to do family Christmas’s around everyone’s busy schedule. It seemed to confirm my thoughts that maybe we should skip Christmas this year. I honestly felt a little like Tim Allen in Christmas with the Kranks. A huge part of me was determined to not even get out my Christmas tree. However, a couple days into that logic I decided maybe it wasn’t quite fair to my five year old to be so “kranky”.
I will tell you at one point in my grouchy moods about it and after trying to come up with like the 50th answer to all these Santa questions. I said to her “now you know that Santa isn’t real right?”. I know I know talk about a low point in the mom category. I instantly regretted saying that. Like Stephanie seriously why can’t a five year old think Santa is real?? The good part of that story is she didn’t believe me. She flat out told me I was wrong and went about her day. So I have not totally ruined her childlike fantasy’s. She is still thinking it is possible Santa is going to bring her a “real life” unicorn one day.
Fast forward a few weeks after finally jumping on board and taking a fake it till you make it approach. Delighting and relighting my Christmas tree twice and taking the plunge on buying Christmas presents. I was officially on board with this Christmas thing. I also confidently began telling anyone who asked that I was totally fine with not being with Cora for 5 days on Christmas and it just is what it is. This was her life and she and I might as well just get onboard with it.
The 21st rolls around and while Cora and I were finally feeling better from a bout of strep we had acquired a few days before. I was instantly reminded that it was in fact the anniversary of my divorce. I am still not sure who gets divorced 4 days before Christmas or how that went down. I do remember the day and it was less than Pleasant. The entire morning was spent sitting in a courtroom with a dozen other couples as each one got up and had to state why they were ending there marriage. My sweet friend Roberta went with me that day. I will forever be grateful for her and her willingness to sit through that mess.
The good news was this year was the first year there was no tears. I was more thankful for the healing that had occurred and the life that I had. It is however to me slightly awkward to acknowledge the day and then also not acknowledge it. Like do you make a phone call or send a text saying “Happy Divorce Anniversary”???? That day didn’t end our relationship it just changed it in a completely different way.
We got through the 21st, we did Christmas #1 with my family the next day. I had a few tears when Cora left on Saturday and a few today after having to FaceTime her for two hours this morning because she wouldn’t let me get off the phone. However, aside from all of that these last few days have been great. Not what I would have planned and not what I expected but we had a lot of quality time with family. A lot of laughs over many many games played. Sooo much food, a couple naps, hallmark movies and way to many gifts.
It is 7:15pm now on Christmas evening and I just walked in my house. Some of my family just packed up the car and are headed for sunny Florida, while others are enjoying a snowing Christmas Day in Michigan. I am sitting in the light of the tree feeling thankful and enjoying the view. It’s easy to get caught up in feeling sorry for yourself because Christmas doesn’t feel or look the way you think it needs to be. But most of the time when we slow down and really enjoy the time we do have with those we love unexpected blessings and joy is found.
I hope you all have been blessed with many unexpected blessings this Christmas season. And if not and it has been less than stellar remember we have already been given the greatest gift. And that is all that truly matters.
Merry Christmas!!!
Tuesday, October 16, 2018
UNAPOLOGETIC LOVE
Wednesday, July 25, 2018
choose BRAVE
Remember as a kid when you had these romantic ideas about running away? The funny thing is that as you get to be an adult sometimes that idea pops up over and over in hard situations. Just like as a kid when the plan is being thought out very quickly you realize hmmm if I actually run away how exactly do I get to where I am going and what happens after dark? Most of the time that realization makes you squash the fantasy and it’s over. I am not even sure you even take into account all the other factors or money, food, safety and shelter.
As an adult those same fantasy’s get squashed even when money, food and shelter could all be technically worked out. The one thing that holds is here is our people. The relationships we have formed and the fear of hurting the ones we love even more.
Ok clarification, no one is running away. The thought of running away not in a physical way but emotional way has been floating around in my head for a bit. How many times have I actually “ran away”? Well let’s just put it this way I am basically a professional runway. I have done it in so many areas of my life it’s not even funny.
I love to run away from any and every hard thing that crosses my path. Weather that be conflict, relationships, school, exercise, dreams, failures and myself.
The funny thing about running away is that no matter what you do or where you go that baggage is attached to you like super glue until you actually do the work and use the right tools to get that crap off.
I think about fear all the time. Like seriously all the time. My life used to be dictated by said fear. You name it I was afraid of it. And honestly it is a constant player in my brain everyday.
Fear of being known. Fear of being not known. Fear of failure. Fear of letting go. Fear of new things. Fear of hard. Fear of never reaching the finish line. Fear of love. Fear of singleness. Fear of being lonely. Fear of never “being lonely”. Fear of the past. Fear of the future. Fear of not making a difference. Fear of being a bad mom, daughter,sister, friend. Fear of change and also fear of not changing. Fear of peoples perception of me. Fear of standing up for myself. That list didn’t include, night, skydiving,spiders ect. Oye vey.
All that fear wrapped up in one body is a whole lot of fear I have to battle every day. No wonder I want to “run away” at times.
The other day someone said to me and I quote “seriously Stephanie people are afraid of you.... even if they are not friends with you they know about your wrath”. I literally laughed out loud. For the girl who is afraid of everything it is comical that someone would think that I was intimidating and wrathful. This comment was hurtful, maybe it’s true maybe it isn’t. Not going to lie I cried a few tears, stewed on it for days and wanted to “run away”. However running away doesn’t erase anything. That was still said and my mind will be real willing to remind me of this.
So what is the flip side of this fear thing and running away? Well I am not a pro and have a forever long journey in front of me but it boils down to this.
BEING BRAVE
Brave to accept the things I can not change.Brave to do hard things even when I feel like I can’t. Brave to be the real me even when someone may not like it. Brave to recognize truth no matter what it looks like. Brave to love and be loved. Brave to be fully known.
You know what fear really is?? It is our comical attempt to stay in control. Fear is the disillusion idea that if we worry or run away from something then what actually is, is not.
Being Brave is letting go of that fear. Being Brave actually gives us the opportunity to grow into the very best versions of ourselves.
I wrote a blog months and months ago about choosing joy. And it’s funny to me that I am now pep talking myself about being brave. So cheers to all this choosing and choosing Brave today.