Not sure what to title this post?

This post is to share a experience in my life so that I may be able to help someone else that may just need a friend who has been through it. 

Let me give you a little back story. We found out we were pregnant  recently and were super excited. I had been bracing myself for a very long journey b/c I was convinced I was infertile (Jodi E. has told me to be careful what I say out load b/c of how powerful words can be). Well after finding out very quickly that I was defiantly not infertile. I started planning/dreaming about what name I liked,  how I was going to decorate the nursery, dreaming about buying maternity clothes, wondering if I was going to birth a 10 pd baby (b/c lets be honest Luke is not little) and so on and so on.  Well two weeks ago today I woke up and everything went down hill. I started spotting and was emotional all morning long. By 11:00am I left work and decided that I better go lay down. Long story short after a couple days of blood test and many tears it was confirmed that I was miscarrying.

The first few days were sad but I think I was a little shocked or numb by what reality was. After about three days the tears came and they came out of nowhere. I had told my immediate family and small group and I was able to talk to people, but lets be honest besides my mom(who has had to listen to me really say the same thing over and over), my mother-in-law who has sent me encouraging emails every few days and Luke that is really where the convo's end. Don't get me wrong Luke, my mom and my mother-in-law have been super encouraging and have helped me greatly. I just have felt that I really wish I could talk to someone who has gone through this before.

It is weird b/c I remember always feeling sad for people when I have heard of someone going through a miscarriage but honestly that is where my thoughts have ended. No one really talks about these things to be able to relate. Over the course of the last few weeks I have had a few short conversations with people that have experienced this but not enough of a conversation to actually leave feeling like I was not in a boat out in the ocean trying to swim in uncharted waters.

 Although I have been feeling conflicted about writing this post I feel in a way that I am supposed to. I think society in a way has made a women feel like they were not supposed to talk about miscarriage. Maybe it is more that a women feel's like a failure b/c she was not able to carry her baby. Maybe it is the fear that if you actually talk about it, it may not go away. Maybe it is the feeling/thought that b/c it was so early on  in the pregnancy that your feelings are not valid and should not affect you. Maybe it is embarrassing even though why would it be embarrassing it was nothing we did and sure would not be something most people would choose.  Maybe some people are just private and deal with things in a different way. I am sure there is a bunch of different reasons.

The TRUTH is that it is painful and the pain does not just go away in a few days. Oh the wounds begins to heal and becomes less painful but just like a wound on our body a scare begins to form. Now scars do not inhibit us from living and it does not make us paralyzed to move on with the plan that God has for us. Scars are there to cover our wounds and remind us of what we have learned along the way. 

So here I am today still a little raw from this experience but standing on the other side. I am not sure what God has planned in all of this but I want to be used for HIS glory. I still want to start a family and it is hard and scary being patient. In the meantime I am putting myself out there and want to be a open book for someone that might just need someone to talk to.