Truth, Brokenness and Joy

Years ago I blogged frequently about my struggle with infertility. It was in a way therapy for me. A way to put my thoughts onto paper and connect with exactly what I was feeling. In a way every word I wrote allowed me to let go a little bit of the anxiety, sadness or sense of failure. It was a safe topic. It didn’t harm anyone else and in a way even though I was not the only one on that journey it really was about me.

When I was going through my separation and divorce and even the time after. I have so wanted to blog. However how do you tell your story in whole truth when it is not just your truth to tell. How do you tell your truth while it may be someone’s else complete opposite truth. 

They say every story has two sides. And yes I do believe that is true. One may not be exactly correct in information but I do believe that it is the truth that is believed. I have tried to stay grounded in what went down but I would be lying in saying that I was perfect and above reproach in the situation. That I fully listened and heard the other party. And that I wouldn’t do things differently. 

Today as I sit here almost two years since the finalization of my divorce. I struggle with what truth really is. And in that I have found where I am truly broken. It’s frustrating you know when you feel like you are healed only to shatter instantly again by a conversation or trigger. 

My marriage ended in my mind because of the lack of understanding of what for better or worse really meant. My view and my ex’s are completely different. And if you were to ask both of us today I think that we would say the same but have totally different meanings. 

I wrestle with owning my truth as well as his. If I accept his truth I can’t live with myself. I feel like I failed and wish I could right those wrongs for my daughters sake. If I accept my truth I have peace in knowing that yes I was not perfect, but I was willing to offer forgiveness and hoped the same would be afforded to me. 

Divorce is so ugly. No matter the reason or who started down that path first. It is one of the most devastating experiences  to go through. It is a death of someone you loved, death of memories, death of friendships, death of trust and secrets , death of who you thought you were. However the real gut puncher is that with death there is a forever no more but with divorce that is not always the case.  At least in my situation that “death”  shows up for my daughter every couple days. Talk about nuts. 

So how do you move on? How do you completely own the real truth?  How do you go into the deepest parts of your soul and shine light on the real ugly? How do you not let the mountains of baggage control your life? 

I am no expert. I don’t have it figured out. And I clearly have a long way to go. This is what I do know. We got to talk about it. We have to be real with each other. We need to own our struggles, insecurities and wrongs with our head held high. We need to face our demons and greatest fears. We need to do things that are uncomfortable so we know we can still stand. For it is in the fire where we truly become refined. 

One of my dearest friends told me about a year ago about this “WHTEVER” concept. It goes something like this: 

I am a divorced single mom. 

WHATEVER

I stay at home with my kid. I don’t have anything to offer someone. 

WHATEVER

I was not gracious and kind and said terrible things while going through the divorce. 

WHATEVER

Sometimes I struggle with being a good mom because I get overwhelmed with what I want. 

WHATEVER

You see there are so many narratives that float around in our head. Narratives that are   true , partially true and completely not true.  No matter the narrative they should not take hold of our life. Thus comes into play the “WHATEVER” phrase. Who cares about all these things. We all have things. No one is perfect and everyone comes with a bunch of brokenness. 

My life is not perfect. I could tell you things that would make you cringe all day long. Ask me I will. Just a bunch of real life going on over here. It’s messy and beautiful all at the same time. I came across this quote the other day that I absolutely love. 

“You are allowed to be completely broken and full of joy simultaneously” 

Yes a hundred times over yes! Brokenness keeps me humble, brokenness keeps me seeking the truth, brokenness allows me to not judge others, brokenness allows me to love people just the way they are. 

For me when I can accept that brokenness and joy can go hand in hand I realize that I am exactly where I need to be. And in turn becomes the greatest truth to hold on to.