Monday, December 4, 2017

 I feel like I can keep my cool about a lot of things. I have had a lot of practice over the last few years. However when it comes to someone bad mouthing my family be that my blood, close friends or my team it gets me hot.

 A couple weeks ago there was an article written in the news gazette about a former athlete. She transferred to another school after her sophomore year for many different personal reasons. While I was sad to see her and her family go she has thrived in this school very well. I am not bitter about her not representing UHS I can see the big picture. I care about her well being more then a state title and recognition.  

When you coach a high school sport especially around here and especially in the sport of swimming it is looked at as a family. I rejoice in victories of athletes not on my team. I gladly help out other coaches when they need help. I cry over trials and losses that occur. Just as others do the same with us . The goal is to build up these student athletes, give them a safe space to thrive, challenge them to be leaders among their peers and push them to do hard things so they know that they can. 

I didn’t get into coaching for the money becauselet’s be honest it would never be worth it. I didn’t get into coaching for the fame. If that was the case I wouldn’t be coaching where I do. I got into coaching because of my passion for the sport and for my alma mater. For the athletes that are not given a chance to do new things. For the athletes that have family lives that are beyond imagine and need a place to belong and feel loved. For a chance to step outside of myself and think about someone else. 

When articles are written and things are said to tear down my team even if it be unintentional it stings and I get mad. And in turn I question others motivation to coach. I question the integrity of those saying hurtful things and ability to be leaders and examples for their own athletes. 

Life is hard and the world is cruel. Let’s focus on giving our youth positive role models and spaces to be taught and grow into strong, confident and caring adults. We live in a time where it is not the place to tear others down and make a status play of who is better or who is inadequate. Let’s love, encourage, accept and advocate for each other y’all. 

All that being said I feel like I need to tell you about my team. So who are they and what are they about?  Well I can tell you who they are not. They are not the ones always in the spotlight, in the paper being talked about. They are not always state qualifiers or at the top of the “game”. They don’t get credit where credit is due. They don’t get recognized for their hard work or massive improvement from year to year. They don’t get “breaks” in life from their families or rough situations. They don’t get to have the same opportunity that a lot of others do. They are not wealthy or perceived as popular. However my team, my tigers. They are warriors. They are survivors. They are a group of girls that come together for 3.5 months out of the year and become a team. From the highs to the lows these girls are the ones that I get the privilege to coach and mentor. These girls are the ones that end up teaching me more than I teach them. These are the ones that I am willing and honored to fight for every single day. These girls are my team and I am so very proud of them! 

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Truth, Brokenness and Joy

Years ago I blogged frequently about my struggle with infertility. It was in a way therapy for me. A way to put my thoughts onto paper and connect with exactly what I was feeling. In a way every word I wrote allowed me to let go a little bit of the anxiety, sadness or sense of failure. It was a safe topic. It didn’t harm anyone else and in a way even though I was not the only one on that journey it really was about me.

When I was going through my separation and divorce and even the time after. I have so wanted to blog. However how do you tell your story in whole truth when it is not just your truth to tell. How do you tell your truth while it may be someone’s else complete opposite truth. 

They say every story has two sides. And yes I do believe that is true. One may not be exactly correct in information but I do believe that it is the truth that is believed. I have tried to stay grounded in what went down but I would be lying in saying that I was perfect and above reproach in the situation. That I fully listened and heard the other party. And that I wouldn’t do things differently. 

Today as I sit here almost two years since the finalization of my divorce. I struggle with what truth really is. And in that I have found where I am truly broken. It’s frustrating you know when you feel like you are healed only to shatter instantly again by a conversation or trigger. 

My marriage ended in my mind because of the lack of understanding of what for better or worse really meant. My view and my ex’s are completely different. And if you were to ask both of us today I think that we would say the same but have totally different meanings. 

I wrestle with owning my truth as well as his. If I accept his truth I can’t live with myself. I feel like I failed and wish I could right those wrongs for my daughters sake. If I accept my truth I have peace in knowing that yes I was not perfect, but I was willing to offer forgiveness and hoped the same would be afforded to me. 

Divorce is so ugly. No matter the reason or who started down that path first. It is one of the most devastating experiences  to go through. It is a death of someone you loved, death of memories, death of friendships, death of trust and secrets , death of who you thought you were. However the real gut puncher is that with death there is a forever no more but with divorce that is not always the case.  At least in my situation that “death”  shows up for my daughter every couple days. Talk about nuts. 

So how do you move on? How do you completely own the real truth?  How do you go into the deepest parts of your soul and shine light on the real ugly? How do you not let the mountains of baggage control your life? 

I am no expert. I don’t have it figured out. And I clearly have a long way to go. This is what I do know. We got to talk about it. We have to be real with each other. We need to own our struggles, insecurities and wrongs with our head held high. We need to face our demons and greatest fears. We need to do things that are uncomfortable so we know we can still stand. For it is in the fire where we truly become refined. 

One of my dearest friends told me about a year ago about this “WHTEVER” concept. It goes something like this: 

I am a divorced single mom. 

WHATEVER

I stay at home with my kid. I don’t have anything to offer someone. 

WHATEVER

I was not gracious and kind and said terrible things while going through the divorce. 

WHATEVER

Sometimes I struggle with being a good mom because I get overwhelmed with what I want. 

WHATEVER

You see there are so many narratives that float around in our head. Narratives that are  ðŸ’¯ true , partially true and completely not true.  No matter the narrative they should not take hold of our life. Thus comes into play the “WHATEVER” phrase. Who cares about all these things. We all have things. No one is perfect and everyone comes with a bunch of brokenness. 

My life is not perfect. I could tell you things that would make you cringe all day long. Ask me I will. Just a bunch of real life going on over here. It’s messy and beautiful all at the same time. I came across this quote the other day that I absolutely love. 



“You are allowed to be completely broken and full of joy simultaneously” 

Yes a hundred times over yes! Brokenness keeps me humble, brokenness keeps me seeking the truth, brokenness allows me to not judge others, brokenness allows me to love people just the way they are. 

For me when I can accept that brokenness and joy can go hand in hand I realize that I am exactly where I need to be. And in turn becomes the greatest truth to hold on to.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Thy Will

Love this song by Hilary Scott. And sometimes or lets be honest most of the time this encompasses my entire feeling about life.  

I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not
So


Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will


I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news you have in store

So, thy will be done

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord