Thursday, March 8, 2018

when s*** hits the fan

I hate conflict, like despise it. Confronting someone about puts me in bed at times. I will say I have gotten so much better at these two things over the last few years but I still struggle. There are still relationships that at some point “s*** hits the fan” and the weeks or months of stuffing comes out in an over the top confrontation.  Ever been there? Or maybe things are going fine and you speak out loud about how calm something is. Or how nice it is to be getting along and then wham you totally jinxed yourself. Well not really jinxed I don’t believe in that.  I just literally think Satan is the devil and loves to use my spoken word to destroy me. If you read your bible or attend church you know what I am talking about. It says it plain as day. The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. And how true is that?

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been a hot volcano about ready to burst. I have tried to calm that volcano in many ways and without avail the other day it burst. You know how for the most part when a hurricane is forming you have days to prepare and evacuate. You know it is going to be bad, you know it is coming and you know to prepare. Well, I could tell this was coming but I was like so many who think they can ride out a hurricane and failed to prepare or evacuate. Honestly evacuating was what was needed, but terrible boundaries prevented that from happening.  

All of my emotions, frustrations, and anger came out in one big sweep.  This propelled into a huge fight that landed me in a fetal position crying my eyes out. I don’t know about you but when these eruptions happen very rarely does it make you feel better.  Most of the time it just adds to the wounds already there.  I said hateful things. Like despicable things, I dug deep in the arsenal.  You know brought up the things that I know would cut deep in hopes it would truly hurt the other person. I mean come on people who does that……. yep me.  I didn’t portray who I truly am and I gave fuel to someone’s else’s fire while basically dismissing any wrong that was done to me.  And the worst oh the very worst part of it all is that this all took place in front of my daughter. Wow, talk about thinking about oneself. My sweet four years old snuggles up to me as I am sobbing and starts comforting me. Nothing is as terrible, humbling and a complete gut punch to the throat then that. Just nominate me for mother of the year why don’t you.

When “s*** hits the fan” it tears down all preconceived notions of who you are. It strips you down and makes you take a long hard look at what is residing in your heart. It allows all the extremely dysfunctional behaviors come to light. 

So what do you do? Well as I see it you have two choices. First one is to play the victim. Chalk it up to the person being crazy, a complete jerk and none of this was your fault taking zero responsibility. Self-medicate by drinking, spending money, sleeping around, gossiping, gambling whatever it may be.  Basically, making denial your friend. I can attest that denial has never and will never be my friend. Talk about a crappy friend that one is.  Or second, take ownership on your part, open your eyes to what is inside your heart, take inventory and then dig that crap out. I mean really dig it out and then deal with it.  So I am choosing the second option not only for me but for that sweet girl I want to raise to become a strong conflict confronter who loves people and isn’t afraid of the hard stuff.

When s*** hits the fan it is the perfect time to clean that crap up and start again. 

Monday, December 4, 2017

 I feel like I can keep my cool about a lot of things. I have had a lot of practice over the last few years. However when it comes to someone bad mouthing my family be that my blood, close friends or my team it gets me hot.

 A couple weeks ago there was an article written in the news gazette about a former athlete. She transferred to another school after her sophomore year for many different personal reasons. While I was sad to see her and her family go she has thrived in this school very well. I am not bitter about her not representing UHS I can see the big picture. I care about her well being more then a state title and recognition.  

When you coach a high school sport especially around here and especially in the sport of swimming it is looked at as a family. I rejoice in victories of athletes not on my team. I gladly help out other coaches when they need help. I cry over trials and losses that occur. Just as others do the same with us . The goal is to build up these student athletes, give them a safe space to thrive, challenge them to be leaders among their peers and push them to do hard things so they know that they can. 

I didn’t get into coaching for the money becauselet’s be honest it would never be worth it. I didn’t get into coaching for the fame. If that was the case I wouldn’t be coaching where I do. I got into coaching because of my passion for the sport and for my alma mater. For the athletes that are not given a chance to do new things. For the athletes that have family lives that are beyond imagine and need a place to belong and feel loved. For a chance to step outside of myself and think about someone else. 

When articles are written and things are said to tear down my team even if it be unintentional it stings and I get mad. And in turn I question others motivation to coach. I question the integrity of those saying hurtful things and ability to be leaders and examples for their own athletes. 

Life is hard and the world is cruel. Let’s focus on giving our youth positive role models and spaces to be taught and grow into strong, confident and caring adults. We live in a time where it is not the place to tear others down and make a status play of who is better or who is inadequate. Let’s love, encourage, accept and advocate for each other y’all. 

All that being said I feel like I need to tell you about my team. So who are they and what are they about?  Well I can tell you who they are not. They are not the ones always in the spotlight, in the paper being talked about. They are not always state qualifiers or at the top of the “game”. They don’t get credit where credit is due. They don’t get recognized for their hard work or massive improvement from year to year. They don’t get “breaks” in life from their families or rough situations. They don’t get to have the same opportunity that a lot of others do. They are not wealthy or perceived as popular. However my team, my tigers. They are warriors. They are survivors. They are a group of girls that come together for 3.5 months out of the year and become a team. From the highs to the lows these girls are the ones that I get the privilege to coach and mentor. These girls are the ones that end up teaching me more than I teach them. These are the ones that I am willing and honored to fight for every single day. These girls are my team and I am so very proud of them! 

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Truth, Brokenness and Joy

Years ago I blogged frequently about my struggle with infertility. It was in a way therapy for me. A way to put my thoughts onto paper and connect with exactly what I was feeling. In a way every word I wrote allowed me to let go a little bit of the anxiety, sadness or sense of failure. It was a safe topic. It didn’t harm anyone else and in a way even though I was not the only one on that journey it really was about me.

When I was going through my separation and divorce and even the time after. I have so wanted to blog. However how do you tell your story in whole truth when it is not just your truth to tell. How do you tell your truth while it may be someone’s else complete opposite truth. 

They say every story has two sides. And yes I do believe that is true. One may not be exactly correct in information but I do believe that it is the truth that is believed. I have tried to stay grounded in what went down but I would be lying in saying that I was perfect and above reproach in the situation. That I fully listened and heard the other party. And that I wouldn’t do things differently. 

Today as I sit here almost two years since the finalization of my divorce. I struggle with what truth really is. And in that I have found where I am truly broken. It’s frustrating you know when you feel like you are healed only to shatter instantly again by a conversation or trigger. 

My marriage ended in my mind because of the lack of understanding of what for better or worse really meant. My view and my ex’s are completely different. And if you were to ask both of us today I think that we would say the same but have totally different meanings. 

I wrestle with owning my truth as well as his. If I accept his truth I can’t live with myself. I feel like I failed and wish I could right those wrongs for my daughters sake. If I accept my truth I have peace in knowing that yes I was not perfect, but I was willing to offer forgiveness and hoped the same would be afforded to me. 

Divorce is so ugly. No matter the reason or who started down that path first. It is one of the most devastating experiences  to go through. It is a death of someone you loved, death of memories, death of friendships, death of trust and secrets , death of who you thought you were. However the real gut puncher is that with death there is a forever no more but with divorce that is not always the case.  At least in my situation that “death”  shows up for my daughter every couple days. Talk about nuts. 

So how do you move on? How do you completely own the real truth?  How do you go into the deepest parts of your soul and shine light on the real ugly? How do you not let the mountains of baggage control your life? 

I am no expert. I don’t have it figured out. And I clearly have a long way to go. This is what I do know. We got to talk about it. We have to be real with each other. We need to own our struggles, insecurities and wrongs with our head held high. We need to face our demons and greatest fears. We need to do things that are uncomfortable so we know we can still stand. For it is in the fire where we truly become refined. 

One of my dearest friends told me about a year ago about this “WHTEVER” concept. It goes something like this: 

I am a divorced single mom. 


I stay at home with my kid. I don’t have anything to offer someone. 


I was not gracious and kind and said terrible things while going through the divorce. 


Sometimes I struggle with being a good mom because I get overwhelmed with what I want. 


You see there are so many narratives that float around in our head. Narratives that are  💯 true , partially true and completely not true.  No matter the narrative they should not take hold of our life. Thus comes into play the “WHATEVER” phrase. Who cares about all these things. We all have things. No one is perfect and everyone comes with a bunch of brokenness. 

My life is not perfect. I could tell you things that would make you cringe all day long. Ask me I will. Just a bunch of real life going on over here. It’s messy and beautiful all at the same time. I came across this quote the other day that I absolutely love. 

“You are allowed to be completely broken and full of joy simultaneously” 

Yes a hundred times over yes! Brokenness keeps me humble, brokenness keeps me seeking the truth, brokenness allows me to not judge others, brokenness allows me to love people just the way they are. 

For me when I can accept that brokenness and joy can go hand in hand I realize that I am exactly where I need to be. And in turn becomes the greatest truth to hold on to.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Thy Will

Love this song by Hilary Scott. And sometimes or lets be honest most of the time this encompasses my entire feeling about life.  

I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news you have in store

So, thy will be done

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Christmas May Be...

Christmas holds different meanings for everyone have you ever stopped and really thought about that? 

As a little girl Christmas was so magical. Something that you looked forward to all year. For me that meant spending the night with my cousins at Nanny & Papaws house. Waking up in the morning to stockings  and cinneman rolls, eating brunch, opening the perfectly wrapped presents, candlelight Christmas Eve service, candlestick lane and then another anticipated night of sleep to even more presents. 

As you get older and life happens Christmas changes. Stress, hardships, busyness and exhaustion get in the way. 

Christmas may become a time when everyone finally decides to get together. So you spend days in the car traveling back and forth just to try and enjoy a few jammed packed days with loved ones.

Christmas may be the newly single mom or dad of three kids working their butt off to save enough money to buy their kids a few essential items such as jeans and shoes just so they have fitting attire that they can wear to school in the new year. 

Christmas may be the elderly couple who's kids are all grown and to far away to come visit them this year. However they prepare like they always do, trees, lights and goodies in hopes to recreate what once was. 

Christmas may be the mom and dad that just had to bury their one year old baby due to a brain injury. While there other young kids not understanding that their brother is gone asks over and over where they are breaking their heart into a millions pieces again. 

Christmas may be the couple who have just had another round of IVF fail and every day when they go to their mail box they open yet another Christmas card filled with new baby after new baby.

Christmas may be month 7 of a 9 month deployment. Wishing with all your might you could just give your loved ones one hug and a I love you in person.

Christmas may be the agonizing days all alone when you wish you could be at work. You fill your life with work and solitude because you are so stubborn to let anyone in due to the hurt and baggage you never dealt with. 

Christmas may be the husband so worried over his wife's mental health he is doing everything possible to keep her alive through the holidays. 

In a season where tv, social media and society says it is the most wonderful time of the year it can sometimes feel like the exact opposite. To all those who are hurting this season and even to those who are not but more focused on the gifts they bought or will receive. Remember to stop, take a deep breath, we have all been there is some sort of fashion and remember the truth. 

Christmas is the result of a very young girl who traveled 9 months pregnant to endure non medicated labor in a barn filed with manure. Christmas is the birth of the one who died for all our sins so that we can one day not feel the pain of this world. Christmas is the most beautiful symbol of hope we can ever celebrate. And as corny as the saying "Jesus is the reason for the season" that sums up Christmas perfectly. 

Merry Christmas!!!

Monday, March 9, 2015

Dear Cora - 18 Months

The last six months have flown by and my have you changed. You are so incredibly smart, sweet and feisty at the same time. There is so much to say so I thought I would list out the top 18 things that I love that you do. In no particular order here goes:

- how you say I love you
- how you cackle like crazy when being tickled
- when you say oh my what happened
- how you love almost everyone you meet especially kids
- how you memorize veggie tales songs
 - you are an incredible sleeper and live your bed
- I love how you say hi mama 100 times a day
- you can peal apart your own cuties
- love the snow and ask to go outside
- how you talk to Bentley
- how you loveroutines
- you love reading and looking at books 
- you love your lovies I mean obsessed 
- you can be flexible
- you can follow direction 
- you are loving and teachable
- love taking baths 
- that you are mine and are so special 

I love you sweet girl and cherish every day with you. 
Love you to the moon and back. 

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Dear Cora- 1 Year

It is now a couple weeks after your birthday and I have written your 12 month letter a few times but none of those drafts seemed quite appropriate. How do you put into words the last year of your life. How do you even express the love that I have for you sweet girl. You truly are  the greatest gift I have been given outside of the gift of the cross 

You are so smart sweet girl. You babble a mile a minute and can say a handful of words like mama, dada, baba, papa, and hi. You love to say hi to everyone and everything. 

You  are now walking everywhere and love to get into anything and everything. I laugh sometimes because all of a sudden this little mink is toddling around the corner. Unpacking a suitcase, drawer or any type of bag is your favorite pastime. I will say you are very fast and very good at it. I just need to teach you the other spectrum of unpacking. 

You are an incredible sleeper and you go to bed around 7:30-8:00pm and sleep till around 8:00am in the morning. We are so very lucky and blessed you love your bed so much. 

I stopped nursing a couple days before your birthday. I was so worried about the weaning process and in he midst of a crazy season in our life God totally worked it out and took all my anxiety and made the transition so smooth. The last couple times of nursing were so bittersweet but I tried to enjoy your closeness. I miss that somedays:). 

So sweet girl as you are now a year old my prayer for you is that you grow to love Jesus with all your heart and love others with that same intensity. 

Love you to the moon and back,


12 month Stats:
20.1oz 19.inches long
(50% for height and weight)