I hate conflict, like despise it. Confronting someone about puts me in bed at times. I will say I have gotten so much better at these two things over the last few years but I still struggle. There are still relationships that at some point “s*** hits the fan” and the weeks or months of stuffing comes out in an over the top confrontation. Ever been there? Or maybe things are going fine and you speak out loud about how calm something is. Or how nice it is to be getting along and then wham you totally jinxed yourself. Well not really jinxed I don’t believe in that. I just literally think Satan is the devil and loves to use my spoken word to destroy me. If you read your bible or attend church you know what I am talking about. It says it plain as day. The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. And how true is that?
Over the last couple of weeks, I have been a hot volcano about ready to burst. I have tried to calm that volcano in many ways and without avail the other day it burst. You know how for the most part when a hurricane is forming you have days to prepare and evacuate. You know it is going to be bad, you know it is coming and you know to prepare. Well, I could tell this was coming but I was like so many who think they can ride out a hurricane and failed to prepare or evacuate. Honestly evacuating was what was needed, but terrible boundaries prevented that from happening.
All of my emotions, frustrations, and anger came out in one big sweep. This propelled into a huge fight that landed me in a fetal position crying my eyes out. I don’t know about you but when these eruptions happen very rarely does it make you feel better. Most of the time it just adds to the wounds already there. I said hateful things. Like despicable things, I dug deep in the arsenal. You know brought up the things that I know would cut deep in hopes it would truly hurt the other person. I mean come on people who does that……. yep me. I didn’t portray who I truly am and I gave fuel to someone’s else’s fire while basically dismissing any wrong that was done to me. And the worst oh the very worst part of it all is that this all took place in front of my daughter. Wow, talk about thinking about oneself. My sweet four years old snuggles up to me as I am sobbing and starts comforting me. Nothing is as terrible, humbling and a complete gut punch to the throat then that. Just nominate me for mother of the year why don’t you.
When “s*** hits the fan” it tears down all preconceived notions of who you are. It strips you down and makes you take a long hard look at what is residing in your heart. It allows all the extremely dysfunctional behaviors come to light.
So what do you do? Well as I see it you have two choices. First one is to play the victim. Chalk it up to the person being crazy, a complete jerk and none of this was your fault taking zero responsibility. Self-medicate by drinking, spending money, sleeping around, gossiping, gambling whatever it may be. Basically, making denial your friend. I can attest that denial has never and will never be my friend. Talk about a crappy friend that one is. Or second, take ownership on your part, open your eyes to what is inside your heart, take inventory and then dig that crap out. I mean really dig it out and then deal with it. So I am choosing the second option not only for me but for that sweet girl I want to raise to become a strong conflict confronter who loves people and isn’t afraid of the hard stuff.
When s*** hits the fan it is the perfect time to clean that crap up and start again.