A lot of times I blog to remind myself where I have been so maybe one day I don’t make the same choice. This last month my mood has been less then awesome. Right after thanksgiving this year is where it started. The realization that Christmas was coming up made me want to pack up and move across the country or hide under my covers till the holidays were over. I had this countdown in my head to Christmas and all that really represented for my brain was Cora being gone.
As the days ticked on by and plans got settled with when we were going to do family Christmas’s around everyone’s busy schedule. It seemed to confirm my thoughts that maybe we should skip Christmas this year. I honestly felt a little like Tim Allen in Christmas with the Kranks. A huge part of me was determined to not even get out my Christmas tree. However, a couple days into that logic I decided maybe it wasn’t quite fair to my five year old to be so “kranky”.
I will tell you at one point in my grouchy moods about it and after trying to come up with like the 50th answer to all these Santa questions. I said to her “now you know that Santa isn’t real right?”. I know I know talk about a low point in the mom category. I instantly regretted saying that. Like Stephanie seriously why can’t a five year old think Santa is real?? The good part of that story is she didn’t believe me. She flat out told me I was wrong and went about her day. So I have not totally ruined her childlike fantasy’s. She is still thinking it is possible Santa is going to bring her a “real life” unicorn one day.
Fast forward a few weeks after finally jumping on board and taking a fake it till you make it approach. Delighting and relighting my Christmas tree twice and taking the plunge on buying Christmas presents. I was officially on board with this Christmas thing. I also confidently began telling anyone who asked that I was totally fine with not being with Cora for 5 days on Christmas and it just is what it is. This was her life and she and I might as well just get onboard with it.
The 21st rolls around and while Cora and I were finally feeling better from a bout of strep we had acquired a few days before. I was instantly reminded that it was in fact the anniversary of my divorce. I am still not sure who gets divorced 4 days before Christmas or how that went down. I do remember the day and it was less than Pleasant. The entire morning was spent sitting in a courtroom with a dozen other couples as each one got up and had to state why they were ending there marriage. My sweet friend Roberta went with me that day. I will forever be grateful for her and her willingness to sit through that mess.
The good news was this year was the first year there was no tears. I was more thankful for the healing that had occurred and the life that I had. It is however to me slightly awkward to acknowledge the day and then also not acknowledge it. Like do you make a phone call or send a text saying “Happy Divorce Anniversary”???? That day didn’t end our relationship it just changed it in a completely different way.
We got through the 21st, we did Christmas #1 
It is 7:15pm now on Christmas evening and I just walked in my house. Some of my family just packed up the car and are headed for sunny Florida, while others are enjoying a snowing Christmas Day in Michigan. I am sitting in the light of the tree feeling thankful and enjoying the view. It’s easy to get caught up in feeling sorry for yourself because Christmas doesn’t feel or look the way you think it needs to be. But most of the time when we slow down and really enjoy the time we do have with those we love unexpected blessings and joy is found.
I hope you all have been blessed with many unexpected blessings this Christmas season. And if not and it has been less than stellar remember we have already been given the greatest gift. And that is all that truly matters.
Merry Christmas!!!
