Do you ever have those days that you feel like the world is
just squeezing in on you? Nothing seems right, your emotions are all over the
place and there is not a sympathetic bone in your body for anyone else. I am so
tired of feeling this way month after month.
Have you ever seen the movie Knocked Up? It is about a man
and women who meet at a bar and have a one night stand and get pregnant. Not
the most wholesome movie ever but there is a really funny part in the movie(aside
from a bad word) when the dad to be starts yelling at his baby mama and says
" (Insert F word) you hormones, not you just the hormones". He is
basically telling his baby mama she has gone crazy b/c of her crazy hormones.
Well that is how I feel except my hormones are not being caused by a greater
good, they are just being produced from my wacked out hormonal INFERTILE body.
Yep I have officially been put into the class of people who
get to say they have infertility. Lovely isn't it? Infertility sucks big time
which in turns just makes me think that life sucks. What really sucks is no one
even really asks me how I am any more. Okay that part was a little dramatic not true there are a few people like my mom
and a few others who have experienced infertility that ask me. I realize it is
probably hard for everyone else to ask me about it b/c they cannot relate. People
who have not experienced infertility are quick to either dismiss my feelings, tell
me to relax, tell me of someone else who
has gone through the same thing or worse(yeah that makes me feel better… NOT),
tell me to exercise, have sex in this or that position, advise me on certain
foods to eat and the list goes on. I realize that this post is kind of brutal
but this is what is real people. Ask anyone who has gone through infertility.
My husband had a really rough childhood. He tells me
sometimes that he is always looking for the next big disaster to hit. Sometimes
I get so mad at myself for feeling sorry for myself but then I think about how
unfair it is that I get to be just another person in Luke's life that gets to
let him down. I know he does not look at it that way but I sure feel like the
failure. He is the one who has to deal with my meltdowns each and every month.
Even if I do not deserve everything to be easy in my life doesn't he deserve
just one thing to be easy?
In realty I know it is not this bad all the time just today and tomorrow is a new day.
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